on the spiritual path…trudge, trudge, trudge

I have been on a “spiritual” quest for what seems like my entire life. At least it feels like that, although consciously I am only aware of the actual foot-falls for 75% of my life. I was searching before I even knew how or why I was searching. The path has gotten narrower for sure.

The road has been traveled. At first, moved along with heavy, frightened and angry stomps. And it hasn’t always been paved with good intentions.

Like all humans, I am a spiritual being. I am a seeker of truth. Of myself, most certainly. And as a human, I was and continue to be flawed…only now I am in acceptance of my imperfections. It took a crushing addiction to a wide assortment of “recreational” pharmaceuticals and alcohol to get put back on the path. I had to admit that I was, indeed powerless AND flawed.

I could not stop the rage that I felt until I admitted I had a temper. AND that it wasn’t doing me any favors.
I could not stop the panic and its subsequent reactions, until I admitted having post traumatic stress.
I could not stop the grandiosity, pride, self-centeredness and shame until I admitted to having a huge ego. Acknowledgement of having an ego and learning to keep it “right-sized” has been and continues to be a part of the journey.

And even after all this time of being ‘on the path’…my imperfections are what is beautiful about me. My authentic self. The rubbed and frayed-edged ‘Velveteen Rabbit’ self. For it has been by accepting my imperfections that I have grown into a beautiful soul

I am a spiritual warrior. I am a woman, a friend, a wife and athlete, a writer. A lover of books, meat/gluten/dairy free, gardener and DIY artist, with the occasional potty mouth – I am in my 6th decade and grateful for every minute of pain, shame, love, laughter, worry, anger, joy, selfishness and compassion that has accompanied those 6 decades. Yikes, I’m how freakin’ old?

Now if I could just accept the aging body that holds all this spirit in – so that one day I would have enough confidence to pose for a calendar, ala this gorgeous creature:

ms flowers

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