I fucking hate when my smooth, uneventful, warm and fuzzy internal world gets tossed into the vitamix of life. If I hear one more time that I “should” be grateful I will kill the next thing immediately in front of me. (Secretly hope it will be a spider or, even better a fruit fly!) I am grateful. I am also a female, feeling her emotions, and slightly out of spiritual wholeness. In other words, HOT MESS sitting here.
For years, and I mean decades, I have dreamt of becoming a writer. Not just the flowery “I journal” writer (and no, I don’t think those who “journal” are less than), but A determined, take no names, seriously-get-published-paid-for type of writer. Dreams are great, action has been non-existent on my part. “Oh, well, there’s that”…my head says!
So what I lacked in action and commitment was my ‘epic fail’. OK. I can own that behavior, forgive myself and move forward.
I am a visual learner. I do best when challenged. So I dusted off the old, boring blog and I signed up for an on-line writing class through my local community college. Now I have a commitment….being a writer commands a daily practice. Daily practice means doing some bit of writing every day, so using Daily Prompts from several sources I write a bit each day. Some days this blog will reflect the ‘practice of writing’ examples from those prompts and then there’ll be a day like today where airing the dust and dirt of my mind needs shaking out. The crowd of voices needs thinning out or my brain will explode.
I am taking on-line writing classes to hone my skills, push the creativity button, learn to edit, revise, envision, get un-stuck, learn from the critiques provided. I have joined a on-line writing group for additional support. Monday I am checking out a local writing group to see if they will “like me” “really, like me” and yet I feel depressed in the midst of action.
I have a novel/book idea in my head and have started doing the research that I will need to actually write enough words to fill a <gulp> three hundred (300) pages. My fears I will ignore at this point…for I wrote a “Goodbye Letter” to my Writer’s Block – going back seems self-indulgent at this point and really jams up the creative process. Already the time I have wasted in un-retrievable….sucks.
I have not a clue how I came to believe that by ‘thinking’ it (writing) – “it” should just happen. Duh! But I can admit to being lazy. Oh, I can get shit done, but I am lazy much of the time. I am self-centered you see, devoting focus entirely to myself. I have to pray, meditate and do the next right thing for my life to start changing.
So, begrudgingly, I am back to prayer. On my knees, hands together, eyes closed. I believe Prayer changes things, well my perception of life. And I am back to meditating. Meditating smooths out the rough patches of my spiritual self….the monkey is off my back when I have a practice of meditation. The circus is still in town, but the Ring Master no longer is cracking the whip every other thought. Off I go….
A friend suggested that I ‘might be too hard on myself’….WTF?! of course I am. Silly her. I did not, however, miss her point. Anyone else been in this line?