Hot Mess Circus in town

I fucking hate when my smooth, uneventful, warm and fuzzy internal world gets tossed into the vitamix of life. If I hear one more time that I “should” be grateful I will kill the next thing immediately in front of me. (Secretly hope it will be a spider or, even better a fruit fly!) I am grateful. I am also a female, feeling her emotions, and slightly out of spiritual wholeness. In other words, HOT MESS sitting here.


For years, and I mean decades, I have dreamt of becoming a writer. Not just the flowery “I journal” writer (and no, I don’t think those who “journal” are less than), but A determined, take no names, seriously-get-published-paid-for type of writer. Dreams are great, action has been non-existent on my part. “Oh, well, there’s that”…my head says!

So what I lacked in action and commitment was my ‘epic fail’. OK. I can own that behavior, forgive myself and move forward.

I am a visual learner. I do best when challenged. So I dusted off the old, boring blog and I signed up for an on-line writing class through my local community college. Now I  have a commitment….being a writer commands a daily practice. Daily practice means doing some bit of writing every day, so using Daily Prompts from several sources I write a bit each day. Some days this blog will reflect the ‘practice of writing’ examples from those prompts and then there’ll be a day like today where airing the dust and dirt of my mind needs shaking out. The crowd of voices needs thinning out or my brain will explode.

I am taking on-line writing classes to hone my skills, push the creativity button, learn to edit, revise, envision, get un-stuck, learn from the critiques provided. I have joined a on-line writing group for additional support. Monday I am checking out a local writing group to see if they will “like me” “really, like me” and yet I feel depressed in the midst of action.

I have a novel/book idea in my head and have started doing the research that I will need to actually write enough words to fill a <gulp> three hundred (300) pages. My fears I will ignore at this point…for I wrote a “Goodbye Letter” to my Writer’s Block – going back seems self-indulgent at this point and really jams up the creative process. Already the time I have wasted in un-retrievable….sucks.

I have not a clue how I came to believe that by ‘thinking’ it (writing) – “it” should just happen. Duh! But I can admit to being lazy. Oh, I can get shit done, but I am lazy much of the time. I am self-centered you see, devoting focus entirely to myself. I have to pray, meditate and do the next right thing for my life to start changing.

praying hands

So, begrudgingly, I am back to prayer. On my knees, hands together, eyes closed. I believe Prayer changes things, well my perception of life. And I am back to meditating. Meditating smooths out the rough patches of my spiritual self….the monkey is off my back when I have a practice of meditation. The circus is still in town, but the Ring Master no longer is cracking the whip every other thought. Off I go….

A friend suggested that I ‘might be too hard on myself’….WTF?! of course I am. Silly her. I did not, however, miss her point. Anyone else been in this line?




One thought on “Hot Mess Circus in town

  1. armentrout.barrylinda2


    This went right along with how you were feeling at SMl it seemed to me. You’ve been on my mind and I was trying to think of something brilliant and wise I could say that would help and make it all better. But, I think you know the solutions to try better, probably, than I do. So, I’ll just keep thinking of you and hope you’re feeling better. (OMIG…overuse of the word “better”! But I’m not a writer).



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